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Being Trans In Different Directions (18+)

Written by Machina on March 11th, 2024.

M: So the journal post we wrote recently about names had a lot to do with transitioning, and huh, yeah, all three of us are transgender - but definitely in different ways, and that’s interesting! I don’t see too many systems posting about the intricacies of their relationships to their bodies, their specific ones or the one they’re in at the moment, and I want to talk about that!

Content Warning: This post contains discussion of gender dysphoria, gender-affirming surgeries, and genitalia, using both medical and casual terms, as well as discussions of sex and dysphoria surrounding it.

Max

I’m a trans man in the way that a human is a man, genderqueer in that I’m not a masculine man, and nonbinary in the way that human gender roles don’t fit to raptor genders. I’m currently on T and I had top surgery a while back, with great results if I do say so myself!

One interesting thing of note is that I’m a human, but I’m also a bird - my type of velociraptor is pretty much a prehistoric chicken, with all the social hierarchy nonsense and eating anything small that can fit in its mouth. While I don’t have species dysphoria, I do get a sense of definite gender and species euphoria about having a flat chest without nipples. Birds don't have mammalian breasts, chicken breasts are completely different! I never got any pleasure from my chest - if anything, it just gave me pain - so getting rid of the nips didn’t make me feel like I was missing out on anything.

Similarly, I used to consider the merits of bottom surgery, including phalloplasty, when I was younger and more invested in wanting to be like a cis man. Now I’m on T and living with a couple headmates who would hate phallo, so my mind’s definitely changed since then! I think bottom growth was pretty much all I needed to be satisfied with my genitals. I have a dick now! And it’s neatly tucked out of the way, unobtrusive, and unlikely to get hit by accident. Birds don’t have external penises, even the ones that actually have a phallus in the first place, so I think my current arrangement is a pretty solid win for both gender and species euphoria.

Gavin

I do wanna say, it’s really damn nice that all of us like being flat, because otherwise it would be kind of a nightmare. And I like the scarring - I also got double incision, and it feels right to have scars in the same places.

So I’m a trans man, like Max, with some pretty key differences - namely, I’m fully human, I'm fully binary, and I have an unconventional relationship with sex and dysphoria.

I identify as stone, specifically as a stone top. It’s a label that spun off of stone butch, an identity that got its start in working-class American lesbian communities in the 1940s and ‘50s, but has since spread around a bit. I call myself stone to communicate one message: I don't want to receive any sexual touch. I have hard boundaries on that. And it’s not that I have dysphoria about lacking a dick, it’s that I don't want to feel sexual pleasure. Having a cis penis would make it worse, really.

On that note, I’m incredibly fucking fond of packers and strap-ons. They’re gender affirming, block access to my body, can be used to pleasure my partner, and can be removed and swapped with one another. Do you know a cis man who has five differently sized dicks and knows his way around all of them? No. Platinum silicone is a miracle substance.

Jude

So I’m nonbinary, and my ideal body has a flat chest and a vulva. Both of these are essential, because if I have breasts or a penis (or no genitalia!) I will have horrible gender dysphoria and feel so bad about it.

I kinda identify with transfemininity, but not entirely - more on that later! - because my character was originally designed as a cis man and gradually changed over time. I don’t remember any transition details in my source, but I do know the way Max changed details about me as an OC! I find that more comfortable to think about, honestly - I don’t want to remember anything from before my current iteration, and it’s easier to think about it happening to a fictional counterpart that’s not me but eventually turned into me.

First thing that really changed was pronouns, because we love a good they/them and it got stuck like that. Then a bunch of little presentation changes happened over a few years, like drawing me with longer hair, scrapping the facial hair, pitching my voice up so it read as more androgynous. And at some point, they started getting into writing smut and realized, “wow, you really can’t stand having a dick, huh?”

I really couldn’t do it, I could not have sex while having a dick, so they got really good at writing what we affectionately call redacted smut - like the kind that a good self-insert smutfic might have, describing actions that feel good without describing what’s actually being touched, and that was all really fun! It was a good creative exercise and stopped me from having dysphoria, but it just stopped the dysphoria, it didn’t give me any euphoria. And then I finally got around to getting a cunt, and everything just felt so much better? Like holy shit, is this what being comfortable is? Is this what identifying with your body is like? It's fucking great! So that’s what I’m presenting with now, because it feels good and right and wonderful, and that’s what I remember having in the timeline I’m actually from.

There’s also the various AUs where I’m transmasc and get to microdose T and bind and get top surgery, because I was a fantastic projection character, and honestly I really do identify with those versions of me. I like the idea of having a vulva the whole time, that just feels more correct to me, and top surgery scars and bottom growth both feel really gender-affirming to me? So I also identify with having a transmasculine body, while having what’s kind of a transfeminine experience. I’m definitely trans either way, but it’s interesting to put into words!

And this all combines into something weird and cool, I think, because right now, I am sharing a transmasc body! But I’m also transfeminine here! Because Max got top surgery, so now we’re flat and everything’s great again on that front, but they’re also on T, and on a larger dose for a longer time than I would have been on it - which means their voice is dropping, they’re gradually growing facial hair, they’re generally going more masculine than I would. So for me to comfortably talk while fronting, I pitch my voice up using transfem vocal coaching techniques, because I have voice dysphoria! And we use different words while having sex - Max calls his bottom growth a dick, which gives him gender euphoria, and we call it my clit when I’m fronting, because that gives me gender euphoria.

So basically I’m transgender - which way? Yes. Both. Schrödinger's transition. I contain multitudes.

Update as of May 11th, 2024: So my bottom dysphoria somehow vanished. Into thin air! Which is also cool for me! I've been thinking about it, and I think it's because I've fully internalized the separation between what society says about gender (only men can have dicks) and what I know about gender (anyone can have a dick), so the dysphoria of perceiving myself as masculine for having a dick is just... not there anymore? I'm incredibly psyched about this honestly, I love having less horrible dysphoria! It's still not usually a part of my body map, but it's nice to have another option open up, you know?

…You know, looking back up this post, it's incredibly funny that we're on a linear sliding scale of Liking Cock. Amazing. How are we all in one body? Transgender diversity wins again ❤️