Chirp! Bark! Hey!

The Amnesia Thing, In Creative Nonfiction

Written by Jude Rook-Machina on November 10th, 2025.

I’ve been having a really bad week while trying to write an essay about my experiences with amnesia in-system, specifically amnesia across gateway world barriers, so it’s not getting written right now - which sucks because the essay’s got some really interesting stuff I want to articulate!

But I already wrote this part, the creative writing, and honestly some of the nuance gets lost when I’m explaining what’s going on mechanically instead of showing the experience in more of a raw take, so maybe this isn’t a problem after all.

This essay is really putting the creative in creative nonfiction, because I’m transcribing internal conversations and visits we’ve had back home into prose, and I really get to play around with the medium when I’m writing something out like a scene! It’s a different sort of writing than we usually share, but it’s honestly way more fun to do, I like the challenge of trying to put the mental sensory impressions into text! It’s easier than usual when we’re not trying to flesh out the details I forget, and it’s interesting to put into words.

are you real

November 3rd, 2025

Example of an internal call with someone outside the system while I’m in-system; neither of us get to remember much about what our visitor is doing out-system, even if they usually get more than I do, which feels really disorienting when you’re having anxious doubt spirals about whether your friend is real. (The real answer is “stop worrying about the existential answer and focus on the person who’s talking to you,” apparently.)

—

[JUDAH]
hey North?

[NORTH]
yeah?

[JUDAH]
are you
real?

[NORTH]
...what's making you wonder if I'm not?

[JUDAH]
I can't tell what you're doing or where you are

[NORTH]
no one can get that through a ping, Judah

[JUDAH]
i mean can you tell me where you are? at all? can you explain what you're doing?

[NORTH]
It's not going to come through to you right now. you'll get a jumbled slideshow of places I've been or am planning to go and eventually you'll get where I am, but it's going to be a headache for you. Same with what I'm doing while I talk to you.

[JUDAH]
how do you know that?

[NORTH]
I'm picking things up through our link, and you're really freaked out

[JUDAH]
i mean
i
i dont know you that well right? we just - i guess we're friends but we're not extremely close, right, why are you being nice to me?

[NORTH]
we're friends. I don't know how well you think you know me, so I can't answer that part, but we're friends.
we spar, we hang out sometimes, we share drinks. we talk about our feelings sometimes. i complain (<3) about your older brother and you tell me lame shit about him.
and even if we're not extremely close friends, you're obviously anxious, we know this about you, and im available right now

[JUDAH]
don't you have something else to do?

[NORTH]
I'm choosing to talk to you, so that's what I'm doing right now

[JUDAH]
but
but if you only talk to me when im freaking out that's not an equal relationship or anything, why would you be comforting me?

[NORTH]
I don't only talk to you when you're freaking out. we do other things together. you just don't remember it right now.

[JUDAH]
how do i know you're not lying? how do i know that's not just a comforting lie that's covering up how much im making this up to feel better?

[NORTH]
you don't have any way to know that, if im the only one telling you. does it feel better when you believe me, that im real and we're friends and you just don't remember shit with that amnesia problem?

[JUDAH]
yeah.

[NORTH]
then you can choose to believe that's true. seriously, does it matter if I'm real or not?

[JUDAH]
i - yes?? if you're not real then im just talking to no one, im making up some fucking parody of you to be nice to me because i want to think you'd be nice when you have no reason to be nice to me at all.
like. what if you're not real and the real North fucking hates me?

[NORTH]
then does it matter what the North who hates you has to say, if she's not the one talking to you and I'm saying a bunch of nice shit?
you're worrying about a hypothetical North who hates you while there's a North talking to you right now who is saying she doesn't hate you. because I don't, even if you're kind of annoying on purpose sometimes :P

[JUDAH]
i guess that makes sense
okay

[NORTH]
like. I can say that I'm real and confirm it for you explicitly, but you know that doesn't help with your anxiety, right?

[JUDAH]
yeah

[NORTH]
you're going to hear "okay, North's real, she said so" and then you'll forget about it the next time you're spiraling and calling me up again

[JUDAH]
sorry

[NORTH]
you're fine, you can't control it. you're fixating on the idea that I'm not real because you think it doesn't make sense for anyone to be kind to you when you're scared. and I get that.

[JUDAH]
yeah. im sorry, i dont mean to

[NORTH]
you don't mean to, i know, and it still happens. so it's good that i know about it.
seriously, me being real or not doesn't change the fact that I'm talking to you
if im real, which i certainly think i am, then you can be comforted by knowing im a real person who gives a fuck about you.
if im a figment of your imagination, then you can be comforted by the North in your brain who says she cares about you, even if hypothetical asshole North wants you to gargle rocks.
honestly, I'm kinda touched that you think of me being nice to you as something you’d want to conjure up when you're existentially spiralling. even if you also think I'd be a dick to you otherwise
I was a dick to you when we met, but that was justified, you were a deviant hunter and I didn't know you were a sopping wet dog yet :P

[JUDAH]
pff yeah
that helps. you're helping. um. thank you

[NORTH]
course, glad you're feeling better

[JUDAH]
i should go, i have a lot to do, ugh. do you wanna like, hang out sometime? soon? on the weekend maybe?

[NORTH]
yeah, that would be fun! I'll get you my schedule.
and don't freak out if you don't get it or remember it without concentrating. i know this is an ironic reminder, but remember your fucking amnesia problem :P

[JUDAH]
okay cool! thanks, and uh, I'll try!

[NORTH]
you better

a walk in the park

November 4th, 2025

Example of how it feels for me to be outside the system while still tethered to it – basically, our brain seems to only have so much rendering power, which means I go back home and wind up having dissociative episodes where I’m losing memories, chunks of time, and the ability to comprehend a lot of words and people and places. I have an anxiety spiral about some of it near the end, but honestly, most of this is nice! My loved ones know I have this problem sometimes, they do their best to accommodate me, and having memory problems doesn’t mean my life is plain miserable.

—

So it’s probably not going to work if they type while trying to do something back in Detroit. Or it might! But it probably takes more focus.

Well, that’s fine. This isn’t going to be precise anyway, that's why they’re calling this a dissociation thing.

So they’re keeping their eyes open for this one but just… unfocusing. Concentrating on what’s going on elsewhere.

Kinda in the way they went to the Garden actually, but definitely in lower quality, because the Garden had their handler rendering all of their surroundings because that's Her, that's literally her form, while Jude is working on Max’s way more unpracticed visualization skills to render way more things. So obviously it's going to have problems.

They're in their apartment. They're (in bed) – (sitting at the kitchen table) – (on the couch) – (in front of the bathroom mirror.) Yeah, that works, that's easy.

Their reflection looks normal, or their face does anyway, that's their face! They grin at themself, preening a bit because damn, are they always this pretty?

They don't know what they're wearing. Well they think that and then they get the impression that it's probably a dark polo shirt, and like, normal long pants. No clue what color the pants are. They're pants though. They could try to think through (color) (style) (etc.) but that's just a lot of headache for something they're really not going to pay attention to anyway, so it's not something that matters.

They're in the bathroom for the mirror, right? Were they adjusting something? Their hair's a bit messy but they woke up a bit ago, that's justified. They comb their fingers through it a bit, focus on the feeling of strands passing through their fingers.

They wonder what Gavin's doing back here and okay he's (still in bed) – (reading at the kitchen table over breakfast) and oh yeah they guess that is brewing coffee they smell? That's nice. They breathe it in for a minute. It's a nice smell.

The cats are (static-static-static-static) - no wait no stop that's three different cats superimposed over like ten different places fuck, that sucks, they can't do that. Max can look for the cats from his POV camera and Jude will just not do that. If they want to be picked up they can find Jude themselves and meow beseechingly at them.

The bathroom is mostly filled in, because they wrote about having a whole breakdown in here once so they know essentially what it looks like. Sink, toilet, bath with curtains and a showerhead, off-white tiling, it's a normal bathroom?

Okay. And they were in here for a reason. What were they doing what were they doing what were they gonna do? Oh right they wanted to talk to (North) (no that's the weekend) – (Connor) (well not right now) – (Travis) (okay yeah that sounds smart) and they wanted to meet up with him somewhere and that meant changing into day clothes. They did that already, good! Okay. Uh. Where were they going?

They send Trav a ping, a message request basically, and he picks up. “Hey! You know how we were gonna go somewhere today? I uh, I don't remember where. Bad processing day.”

“Oh, we were going to (static-static) and (static-static-static-static).”

Fucking fuck why. “I… didn’t get that.”

He repeats it. Nope, still nothing. Again? No. Okay. Normal things. Still a little scary. “Sorry, I'm just – I'm not getting that.”

“That’s fine, I’ll come pick you up.” They think he says something else before the call drops, but it gets abstracted into nonsense. His tone is light though, he doesn't sound frustrated with them, that's good. Okay. Why would he be frustrated? Plenty of reasons actually, hey stop that don't do the whole spiralling thing now. Come on, they're still in front of the mirror, they can go do something else.

Something else means kinda blanking out on when they stepped out of the bathroom, but turns into getting their own breakfast, sipping at their thirium in the other chair while Gavin talks to them about something. Something. They could try to tune into that but it would be a lot and they're trying to save some of that for actually going outside, so they're not gonna do that. It's a nice conversation they think, at least when they're not stressed about catching like 10% of it. Gavin’s nice.

Travis comes by to pick them up in a bit. Time feels kinda blurry, they're not like androids who can count the seconds going by, but it doesn’t matter that much. He (rings the doorbell) – (knocks on the door) actually, wait, Gavin’s apartment doesn’t have a doorbell. They know this. They would’ve used it otherwise. Good to know!

Anyway he knocks on the door, and someone opens it to let him in for a bit. Jude doesn’t know if they did that or Gavin did, but either way, hey Trav!

They talk to him for a bit, small talk and whatever, and okay he’s wearing a jacket, that makes sense, it’s cold today, actually hey wait they should also get a jacket then, right?

They go to get a jacket. They’re not sure exactly where, because it feels like they’re walking back down the hall for a couple steps and then they think the jacket might be hanging next to the door and actually what happens is that they blink and they’re walking back to the living room with their jacket on, and they’re not sure which direction they came from but whatever they have their jacket now. It’s kind of a medium weight and thickness, pink, they don’t know if there’s a pattern on it, it’s comfy and that’s what matters actually.

So they get back to Gavin and Travis and now they’re saying their goodbyes and Gav says, “Come back in one piece!” and god they fucking hope so, they always do but it’s still a little disorienting to do this. A lot disorienting. They’ve always been fine anyway, they have fun, it’s fine.

They get out of the apartment and okay this is the part where it starts really falling apart, because they still don’t actually know where they’re going with him so it’s kind of just like. They’re (walking down the sidewalk) – (taking the bus?) – (driving? maybe Trav’s driving, they’re NOT driving like this) – (they’re not driving) – (walking, there’s buildings obviously, what buildings? shops?) – (is this a mall? there’s way too many people here) – (no no no DON’T tune back in for the mall?)

It’s the mall! Cool! Okay! They don’t really like this part. “Hey Trav, did you mean we were going to the mall earlier?”

He responds to them and it comes out like (static), but like, nicely. Okay. There’s people everywhere milling around and there’s storefronts and there’s things on sale, they think, but the problem is there’s way too much of all that and the people aren’t people they know so it’s all getting abstracted out into some kind of noise they can’t really parse. Which is kind of scary.

They decide to focus on Travis specifically, which helps because he’s way more solid than everything else, and then only focus on anything he’s touching. Okay. They’re going into a store. He’s picking up (an orange?) – (an apple) – (a microphone) – (a radio) – (a thirium pack) – (a (static)) – (a (static-static-static)) and getting a couple other things, going to the cashier for checkout, and they don’t look at the cashier because trying to figure out what their face looks like would be really fucking hard but they’re leaving now, okay so this is not a whole day hanging out at the mall, he’s just getting some things. That’s good and makes sense, he wouldn’t drag them out here to talk at the mall when they’re having a bad time about it.

They leave the mall and Jude starts flipping through locations again to try and figure out where they were planning to go. (Club?) (definitely not) – (coffee shop?) (no) – (static-static?) (not if they don’t know what that is) – (the park?)

Oh yeah that makes sense, they were going for a walk! Walking and talking while the sun’s shining in a place where other people are walking but they’re way less crowded so Jude doesn’t need to really think about them. That’s smart of him. And they’re better at rendering plants and trees and flowers than the rest of the urban sprawl, for fucked up Garden reasons, but Travis is going to be here and talking to them so they’re not going to have a weird dissociation flashback while being out in nature, hopefully.

Actually are they going back to Trav’s place first to put down the stuff he bought? “Are we going back to your place first to put down the stuff you bought?”

“No, it’s pretty light, I’ll hang onto it,” he says, and oh he does have a bag for it. Tote bag. They register its existence and deliberately don’t try to figure out what’s written on it, so it defaults to beige canvas with something in (static) on the side.

They blank out on the rest of the trip getting to the park - like one moment they’re at the bus stop, and then they’re at the park, so they have to assume they got on the bus and ended up getting off nearby. They ask Travis if that happened and he says yes, so that’s good! Win for making educated guesses.

The sun is out today, even though it’s November, which is really nice because they really don’t like being out here when it’s overcast. It’s not like they have flashbacks, it’s just - well actually. Flashbacks can mean feeling the way you felt during a traumatic event. So actually yeah, no, they do have flashbacks when they’re in the park and it’s threatening rain, it’s just that they try not to do that alone or on purpose or anything, and it helps to have people they trust around to talk to. Do they do that a lot? Feel like they’re in the Garden again?

It’s the greenery, they think. The trees seem to be torn between staying stubbornly green and dropping all their red-yellow leaves on the path, and they catch a few people walking down a different trail, or sitting on a blanket in the grass to enjoy the sunshine. There aren’t really noteworthy buildings in the park, and they’re surrounded by plants with only the occasional person crossing their path, and they remember ah, right, sometimes they’ve gone out here in a bad haze and curled up on one of the benches and stopped really registering anything else for a bit. Not a lot, they don’t think, but they can’t really trust their memory right now, and apparently it’s happened enough that they’ve established “Jude should not be alone in the park” as a safety rule. Which makes sense! They appreciate it.

But right now, they don’t have anything to worry about with that. The sun’s shining, parents are out and about with their kids, the tile geometry is rectangular when they’re not just walking on dirt, and they’re talking to their older brother about something nice. The leaves are pretty when they turn colors. Were they the one who brought up going here first? Maybe? They’re not sure, and it’s probably not important who thought of it if they can’t remember. They can just enjoy the conversation and the scenery.

Well, they enjoy the conversation for a long time until it registers that they don’t really understand what they’re talking about. They want to know what he’s saying and it’s all coming through as sound and rhythm and intonation without actually getting the meaning, and that’s - upsetting.

They shouldn’t be focusing on that. They don’t want to be focusing on that. But now they’ve noticed that they’re not really getting it, and it feels really hard to stop noticing once they’ve started, and after a minute they kinda just grab his arm and stop walking and try to see if being able to touch him helps anything make more sense. No, not really.

Travis says something, and it’s probably something like “What’s wrong?” but they don’t actually know that and that’s kind of really scary right now.

“I don’t know what you’re saying,” they say, they think, but it might’ve just come out as kind of an anxious nonsense sound, but he seems to get it. Okay. Good. At least one of them understands words.

He takes them over to a bench and they sit down. Jude kinda curls up and leans into him a little, and he wraps an arm around their shoulders, and he’s continuing to say – something, and they’re still not getting the details, but something about staying here for a bit. Something about his week.

Okay. Okay okay okay okay. They’re missing a lot of this conversation. They’re forgetting a lot about their brother’s life. He’s not holding it against them. They don’t need to know all of this. They want to and they can’t get it right now. That’s okay. They’re just gonna sit here for a bit and calm down.

It takes a little while. Their shadows are angled in a slightly different direction when they’re done freaking out. That’s okay. He’s not mad at them. Most of the time in the park was good, they just started getting anxious at the end there. That’s not ruining their day. But they are kinda tired.

They say that and then they blank out on getting to Travis’s place. And also on the place itself. They know he lives here and they think they’re sitting on (a chair) – (a bed) – (the floor) – (a chair,) probably, but they’re not really grasping the rest of it. It’s kind of disappearing around the edges. They can figure it out later.

He comes back – right, he was putting away the stuff he bought in the morning – and they… don’t exactly know what happens after that, but it’s not a complete blank. They have emotional impressions, they feel better and safer and a little more secure, and something funny happened in the middle there, and that’s all good.

Okay. That feels like about what they can take right now. Maybe they’ll come back to this and edit in more memory later. That’s enough of being in Detroit for one day.